Finding Your Voice: Learning to Be Assertive As a Survivors of Developmental Trauma

Many of us who have experienced developmental trauma struggle with assertiveness. Speaking up for ourselves, setting boundaries, and expressing our needs can feel uncomfortable or even dangerous. If you were raised in an environment where your needs weren’t met or where asserting yourself led to punishment, neglect, or withdrawal, you may have learned that staying quiet was the safest option. But while this strategy may have helped you survive in the past, it can hold you back in adulthood, leading to unhealthy relationships, resentment, and burnout.

Why Is Assertiveness So Hard After Developmental Trauma?

Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: If expressing your needs led to rejection as a child, you may worry that speaking up will drive people away.

Guilt and Shame: Many trauma survivors feel like a burden when they ask for what they need, leading to guilt or self-doubt.

Hypervigilance: Trauma often makes us highly attuned to other people’s emotions, causing us to prioritize their comfort over our own.

Difficulty Identifying Needs: If you grew up in survival mode, you might not have had the space to develop self-awareness about your needs and emotions.

Fawning as a Coping Strategy: Some trauma survivors become people-pleasers to avoid conflict or create a sense of safety in relationships.

The Consequences of Not Being Assertive

When you struggle with assertiveness, you might find yourself in patterns that may not be working for you, such as:

• Resentment and Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly accommodating others can lead to burnout and suppressed anger.

• Unhealthy or Unbalanced Relationships: When you’re unable to set boundaries, others may take advantage of your kindness.

• Low Self-Worth: Avoiding self-expression can reinforce the belief that your needs don’t matter.

• Increased Anxiety and Stress: Holding in your feelings can cause inner turmoil, leading to heightened stress responses.

The Benefits of Learning to Be Assertive

Developing assertiveness is an empowering journey with many rewards, including:

• Healthier Relationships: You’ll attract people who respect and value you when you communicate openly.

• Increased Self-Confidence: Asserting yourself reinforces your sense of worth and autonomy.

• Reduced Anxiety and Stress: Honoring your needs leads to emotional relief and stability.

• Greater Life Satisfaction: When you set boundaries and express yourself, you build a life that aligns with your values.

How to Be More Assertive

• Start Small: Practice speaking up in low-stakes situations, such as choosing where to eat or expressing a minor preference.

• Use “I” Statements: Say things like, “I feel uncomfortable when…” or “I need some time to myself” to communicate clearly and non-confrontationally.

• Recognize and Challenge People-Pleasing Tendencies: Notice when you’re saying “yes” out of fear rather than choice, and practice pausing before responding.

• Set Boundaries: Begin with small limits, like declining extra responsibilities when you’re already overwhelmed.

• Work Through Fear and Guilt: Remind yourself that your needs are valid and that asserting yourself is not selfish, it’s self-respect.

• Seek Support: A therapist or trusted friend can help you navigate the discomfort of learning to be assertive.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Changing patterns takes time. Be kind to yourself as you unlearn old survival strategies.

Final Thoughts

Learning to be assertive after developmental trauma is a process, but every small step counts. You deserve to take up space, express your needs, and be heard. Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive, it’s about valuing yourself enough to communicate honestly and set boundaries that protect your well-being. And the more you practice, the easier it will become.

References

Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. Guilford Publications.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. HarperCollins.

Padesky, C. A., & Greenberger, D. (1995). Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think. Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote.