How Developmental Trauma Can Shape Our Sense of Self

Our sense of self [how we see and understand who we are] develops through relationships, experiences, and our ability to make meaning of the world around us. When we experience love, safety, and support as children, we grow into adults with a solid foundation of self-worth and confidence. However, for those who experience developmental trauma, this process can be disrupted, leading to deep struggles with identity, self-esteem, and emotional balance.

What Is Developmental Trauma?

Developmental trauma happens when a child experiences chronic stress, neglect, abuse, or instability during their formative years (Herman, 1997). Unlike single-event trauma, developmental trauma is ongoing and relational; it happens within the caregiving environment and impacts a child's ability to feel safe, seen, and valued. It can result in difficulties managing emotions, trusting others, and feeling connected to oneself.

How Developmental Trauma Can AffectYour Sense of Self

1. Struggling to Know Who You Are

If you grew up in an environment where love and safety were unpredictable, you might question who you are. You may feel like different parts of yourself do not quite fit together, or you might adjust your personality depending on who you are around. This can leave you feeling lost or like you are always performing instead of just being.

2. Feeling Unworthy or "Not Enough"

Children are wired to seek love and care from their caregivers. When those needs are unmet, it is common to believe, "Maybe something is wrong with me." This belief can carry into adulthood, showing up as self-doubt, fear of rejection, or a persistent feeling of not being good enough, no matter what you accomplish.

3. Big Emotions That Feel Overwhelming or Numbness

If your childhood environment lacked safety and stability, your nervous system may have adapted by going into survival mode—either feeling emotions too intensely or shutting them down completely. This can look like sudden emotional outbursts, difficulty calming down or feeling disconnected from your emotions and body altogether.

4. Struggles with Boundaries and Relationships

Developmental trauma happens in relationships, so it often affects how we interact with others (Schore, 2001). You might find yourself constantly trying to please people to avoid conflict, or you may keep others at a distance to protect yourself. Learning to set boundaries and recognize healthy relationships can feel confusing if you did not have good role models growing up.

5. Doubting Your Thoughts and Feelings

If your emotions and experiences were dismissed or invalidated as a child, you might have learned to question your own reality. You may second-guess your decisions, struggle to trust your instincts or feel unsure about what you really want and need.

How to Begin Healing and Reclaim Your Sense of Self

Healing from developmental trauma is a deeply personal journey, but it is possible (van der Kolk, 2014). There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and your healing process should be unique. One helpful framework for recovery is Judith Herman's tri-phasic model (Herman, 1997), which breaks supporting recovery into three key stages:

Phase 1: Safety and Stabilization

• This first phase is about building emotional and physical safety so you can feel more in control of your life. Some ways to do this include:

• Learning tools to regulate overwhelming emotions (breathing exercises, grounding techniques, movement, mindfulness, etc.).

• Creating a safe environment and limiting exposure to harmful relationships or triggers.

• Establishing small, supportive routines that bring comfort and predictability.

• Practicing self-care and reconnecting with your body in gentle ways (such as stretching, mindfulness meditation, or soothing activities).

Phase 2: Processing and Integration

• Once you have a sense of stability, you can begin exploring your past experiences with curiosity and self-compassion. This might involve:

• Reflect on your trauma with a trusted therapist, friend, or journaling.

• Identify the negative beliefs you have carried from childhood and challenge them.

• By recognizing your strengths, resilience, and survival strategies that helped you get here and clarifying your values and goals you can start working toward the person you want to be instead of the person you needed to be to survive.

Phase 3: Reconnection and Empowerment

• Healing is not just about addressing the past. It is also about building a fulfilling and meaningful life. This stage involves:

• Building healthy, trusting relationships that allow you to show up as your authentic self.

• Exploring your passions, interests, and values outside of your trauma history.

• Practicing self-advocacy and making choices that align with your needs and desires.

• Rediscovering a sense of purpose and self-worth beyond your past pain.

You Are Not Broken

Developmental trauma can shape the way you see yourself, but it does not define who you are. Healing is a journey, not a destination, and happens step by step. No matter where you are in your recovery, know that you deserve kindness, safety, and a life where you feel at home. You have already survived so much, which is proof of your strength. Now, it is time to rebuild your life in a way that reflects the love and worth you have always deserved.

References

Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence. From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.

Courtois, C. A., & Ford, J. D. (2009). Treating Complex Traumatic Stress Disorders: An Evidence-Based Guide. The Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press.